Don-eat Me
by jazzypizzaz
Summary: Troy: That's one of my biggest fears. Abed: What is? Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut... Abed: You would eat yourself? Troy: I wouldn't even question it. Troy: That's one of my biggest fears. Abed: Mmm. That'd be tasty.


Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed: What is?

Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed: You would eat yourself?

Troy: I wouldn't even question it.

Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed: Mmm. That'd be tasty.

Abed woke up abruptly, shivering.

He was lying on a metal sheet, but it was the coldness of the metal that woke him up not the hardness of the surface.

Strange.

He sat up and stretched out his back a bit, but discovered that he had none of the creaks and stiffness he would normally get when he stayed up too late and fell asleep on the couch watching television. Instead he felt... Spongy. Squishy. Sticky, even.

Weird.

Where was he? Perhaps he had been kidnapped... Clearly, this was the start of an action-adventure movie.

Cool. Cool cool cool.

Looking around with inner excitement but with a face carefully configured to approximate budding terror, he noticed that the metal sheet, tilted slightly, was on a giant rack about five feet off the ground. A baker's cooling rack. He squinted to make out a stack of mixing bowls atop a countertop surface, a set of hanging spoons, and, plastered on the windowpane of the door, the logo of the Evil Bakers' Mafia.

Shit. Shit shit shit.

Last night, Troy had been reminiscing about the good ole days of the Chicken-Fingers Mafia. When Abed mentioned that dismantling that scheme was for the good of the group, Troy instead started reminiscing about his time as Partner and Hoolihan. Abed, not wanting the evening's activities to turn into a clips episode, suggested they combined the two into a new adventure in the Dreamatorium.

So it happened that Troy and Abed became world-renowned Ninja Investigators who had been called upon to get to the bottom of what foul experiments the EBM were cooking up. The last Abed remembered, they had found the location of the Mafia's secret kitchen-laboratory, and snuck right in. Being ninjas and super-stealthy, they hadn't thought to check for security devices and had quickly come under attack from guards. It had been a trap all along.

With a bit of actual terror brewing, he glanced quickly behind him, looking for Troy.

Sleeping peacefully up further on the rack was a giant donut with rich chocolate glazing and rainbow sprinkles. It was the circular kind without a hole, where you didn't really know if it would have a creamy filling or a fruity filling until you bit into it. Abed licked his lips at the thought.

Huh. Butterscotch. Odd.

Abed brought his hand to his mouth, then glanced down with sudden realization at his body below him to see an Abed-sized Long John donut with butterscotch glaze. Which meant the chocolate donut was Troy.

This was a timeline Abed had never fully considered.

"Troy, hey Troy!" Abed whispered as loudly and firmly as he dared, "Wake up!"

"Mghrngff," was the chocolate donut's reply, "Ughh, noooo."

Abed didn't shake him awake for fear of smearing his icing. Because then he'd have to lick his fingers and was that cannibalism? Did it still count as cannibalism if he regularly wondered what Troy's mouth would taste like? Or his cock-

Focus, Abed told himself sternly, think of a plan. Innocents always got caught when they lost themselves in human desires.

He flashed-back to what Troy had said about if he woke up as a donut, and quickly constructed a way to avoid both Troy freaking out and self-cannibalism.

"Troy! We've been kidnapped, we have to escape while we still can!"

"Huh? What?" Troy shook himself awake blearily. Well, more like functionally conscious. Luckily Troy's habitual incoherence in the morning would allow Abed to lead him out of the Dreamatorium before he realized he was made of delicious, delicious pastry. The Dreamatorium's powers were safely contained inside the room, so they should be human again once they travelled through the door.

"C'mon, we have to jump off this surface and run to the door, follow me!" Abed said, jumped down with a squish from the racks, and made a break for it. Troy waddled sleepily behind.

Panting a bit from the exertion and brief panic, Abed drank in the familiar settings of the living room, no Evil Bakers in sight and everything back to normal-

Nope.

A chocolate donut with rainbow sprinkles, trailing chocolate glaze and crumbs behind him, was waddling (in a zigzag, Troy hated when his eyes didn't adjust fully to the light upon waking up) to the bathroom.

"I know we like probably need to keep escaping or whatever, but it's too early Abed, and I gotta take a shower. I'm all like sticky, and not in the fun way." Troy called as he shut the door.

Abed stood stockstill, his mouth comically agape. The genre had shifted from Action/Adventure to Surrealist, and Abed, reeling from the abrupt change, had not watched enough of those films to figure out what was supposed to happen next. He hated that there was no clear narrative arcs in the Dada-ist movement. It was all non-sequiturs and absurdism without any clear impact- real life was like that often enough, why would he want to watch that on film? He couldn't even watch Tree of Life without falling asleep, and that had gone mainstream.

Or maybe the genre was sci-fi Existentialism, like Kafka's Metamorphosis. Abed shuddered. This he could understand at least, but while waking up as a donut was better than waking up as a cockroach, none of Kafka's works ended happily. In any case, Abed much preferred role-playing humans. Humans, who took showers when they got sticky. Shit.

"Wait, Troy, noooo, stop! You're a chocolate donut, don't get in!" Abed shouted and ran into the bathroom, but Troy had already turned on the water and didn't hear his warning.

"Abed," Troy said delightedly when he heard the door open. He stepped into the shower, facing away from Abed and continued, "You remembered how I get lonely in long showers! Sweet, I was just thi-

"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" Troy had turned around to see Abed the Butterscotch Long John, then looked down at himself, the rainbow sprinkles dissolving in the hot water and his frosting melting off his cakey body and down the drain.

Troy started hyperventilating, his eyes clouding over as he pulled wet chocolatey clumps off his body.

"Whyyyy! Rainbow sprinkles are my faaaavorite! Look at all this chocolatey goodness going to waste! I had plans for when this happened. Delicious, delicious plans! Man, soggy donuts are the wor-wor-worst." Troy exclaimed, the last sentence barely comprehensible over his sobbing.

Abed took a deep breath and stepped in the shower with him. He caught Troy's eye and nodded firmly. "It's okay Troy, I'm right here."

Troy's expression cleared up momentarily , and he looked up at Abed and nodded in response. "Friends melt together. I remember our pact." They hugged closely, butterscotch and chocolate swirling down the drain together.

Soggy donuts really were the worst.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

"Are you two playing Water World again in the bathroom? It is FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE DAMN MORNING, and I have an exam in the morning I need to be in top shape for. You better not be in serious trouble, because this is the _last time_."

At the sound of her voice, the water had turned clear beneath them, and just like that the spell was broken.

Troy and Abed looked at each other sheepishly, their naked (human) bodies intertwined underneath the hot water.

"That was a lot of unnecessary plot to get to this scene, but it'll have to do," Abed said softly. He closed the few inches between their faces to meet Troy's warm, wet lips with his own. He moved his lips gently, basking in the stillness of the moment and the way Troy hugged him closer at the contact, his lips following Abed's lead. The kisses got rougher and more hungry, and WOW why had they never done this before...?

Several hundred kisses later and a few actions that took full advantage of being in a steamy shower instead of the thin-walled blanket fort, they broke apart satiated. This time they were sticky in the fun way.

"I've always wondered how you would taste."


End file.
